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November 11th, 2009

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So, it's 7:33 pm and I haven't taken a nap yet today.  I think this is a good sign, and my plan is to try to stay awake until normal-people-bedtime. Which is what? like 11pm?  When do normal people go to sleep?  I have high hopes that this will get me back on a normal sleep schedule, which will in turn help with my on-going problems with fatigue.

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So last night I set out to shoot something that had been lurking in my brain for some time now. I wanted to do a Last Supper. But with all mentally disabled adults. Which was what happened.

It was absolutely nothing like I expected....

First it was a challenge just getting there. The facility was in Corona and traffic was insane.

I met Colleen, one of the directors, who set up and organized the entire event and we walked through what was going to happen…not that this was actually possible.  

So at 6:30 these amazing individuals come in. Their disabilities cover a wide spectrum. Some like John (who we chose as Jesus) were incredibly social and communicative and some were nearly unresponsive and non-verbal. Some could walk, some could not. You know the saying "Men make their plans and God laughs?" I was prepared for this to go off the map, but I didn't expect the map to be dispensed with altogether right out of the gate.

The first thing I realize is that any moment of solemn focussed silence was immediately out the window. There is nothing silent about the vast majority of the group. The second thing I discover is that they love having their photos taken. This however entails grinning broadly at the camera and yelling, "CHEESE!"

Then on the first shot, my camera dies. The shutter doesn't even close. It's probably the battery and my spare is now mysteriously gone. I had shot with it just fine 24 hours ago and now it is totally inoperable. The staff is all behind me and we laugh as I keep muttering to myself, "Ok, you're a professional, think of something."

John politely reminds me, "Kevin, I'm waiting VERY patiently. VERY patiently, Kevin!" I have my digital but that wasn't going to cut it for the size I wanted to do it and besides this requires film. I have no 35mm film, so that leaves me with the Holga.

The Holga is an $11 plastic camera that has seen better days. The shutter is a simple spring and over the past year has become rusty so it often doesn't fire. It's also missing a clamp to keep it perfectly shut.
But it's all I have.

So I load it and shoot, clamping the loose back shut back with my fingers. Half a dozen of our group find the strobe going off the funniest thing in the world. I shoot a frame then there is a chorus of giggling and laughter. For what it's worth, they are having the time of their lives. I on the other hand am thinking this is never going to work. For them everything becomes new every 4 seconds or so. I'm shooting a party watching fireworks with a leaky plastic camera. I keep shooting and quite honestly I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

John has been clutching the bread in his hands for about ten minutes now. I have him hand it out.
"Here's some bread, Joshua! Here this is for YOU, Debbie!"

Some eat, some look at me. A woman holds a rag in her teeth. I am in an ocean. I am both moved, bemused and trustingly resigned. This, in my parlance, was an obvious God thing.

We finish up. By this point I have it or I don't and we've pretty much come to the end of how long they can sit in place. They begin to head back to their rooms and give me hugs. It was the shoot that I officially had the least amount of control or influence in.
As a final earthy punctuation, I discover someone's accidentally peed on my Bible.

I think I shot 4 rolls. Maybe 5. And I have no idea whether any of it is going to turn out let alone work. It may not. I haven't even looked at the digital. I'll develop the film today and then I'll know. It may be that this was all to have them have a great night. But it may also be like Good Friday when all of our power went out and people picked up candles to view the Stations. You are forced to make different, unthought of choices because your initial ones are taken away.  I'm about as removed from the process as possible. Which I believe is also the point….

I'll know soon enough....

 

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I now have all my needed psychiatric medications. Phew. Time to get my brain chemistry back in order!

Dishes, laundry, errand running... I'm finally getting these things done. After spending two weeks in bed, immobile.

My phone is in this weird limbo wherein I can't make calls or send/receive texts but I can receive calls. Interesting. And good enough for now. Though...and don't laugh...not having text messaging is really isolating for me!

I went on another date. This time with an environmentalist vegan law student. He was working on his PhD and teaching college English before he decided to go to law school instead. We got along well; it was nice. We're going out again tomorrow.

I'm looking for a place to volunteer. My goal is to send five inquiries this week. I can do this!
So.  It occurred to me sometime last night that if I went back to the doctor's office this morning, I would probably have to pay another $40 co-pay.  Since I had already paid one in the past week, and since I am nearing the end of my financial "month" and my funds are dwindling, I really didn't want to pay again. I technically could have, but that would have left me with very little cash.

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Walter Crankypants sums up my feelings for today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmuvPr0BlxE&feature=channel





Sometimes things fall into place and everything comes together and what seemed difficult and impossible one moment turns step by step into a dance, light and easy.

More to come...

Brain Chasing Tail

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  • 13:58 @teiwaz I have that sticker on my camp stove ;) #
  • 14:02 The Failcats are doing some Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon style moves as the chase each other around the loft. Amazing. #
  • 14:20 I have a job interview 10 am Thursday. It's not for the job that I wanted but it is for a job, nonetheless. #
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  • 20:56 OMG! Hot Tub just kicked off! maybe NOTHING AT ALL wrong with it (besides needing new lining due to previous lack of chem balance). YAY! #

mwah!

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November 10th, 2009

So,since the doctors say there's nothing wrong with me, and that I am "just" depressed, I decided to try to get back into "normal" life today.  However, this is not as easy as it sounds, because as a college student, my daily routine is sort of erratic.  And as a college student on hiatus, it can be very erratic.  Any routine or schedule has to be self-imposed, something I am still challenged by.  I generally try to enforce routine by trying to go to sleep and wake up around the same time every day, by trying to eat 3 meals at the same times every day, and by starting the day with a To Do List.  I find I get a lot more done when I start of with a list of objectives.  If I can cross at least three things off the list in a day, I consider it a decently successful day.  I crossed 6 things off so far, and will probably get a couple more in my post-nap evening energy phase.

I only napped for an hour this afternoon, from about 4pm to about 5pm.  I consider this a sign of progress, because I have been taking 2-3 hour naps frequently in the past few weeks.  And to be honest, I was in the habit of late-afternoon naps before I ever even got sick, so napping for an hour is admittedly not ideal, but it is pretty normal for me, and I am inclined to view it as harmless.

Overall, energy level was pretty good today. I went out for an errand-running bike ride, the final stop of which was about 1.5 miles away.  So it was probably about 3 miles total, which is barely anything, but still much better than nothing.  My bike is much easier and more fun to ride since GID-Z inflated the tires properly.

While I was out, I stopped by the library, and like any good nerd, I picked up some books on depression, so I could do some research.  They had a number of books on the topic, but the two I picked up were "Depression Free, Naturally" by Joan Mathews Larson, PH.D. and "The Mindful Way Through Depression" by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

These two books seem to present to opposite perspectives on treating depression, although I have only read about 100 pages of the first one and none of the second yet.  In "Depression Free, Naturally" the author is very much on the side of depression being a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be treated through nutrition and supplements.  Whereas "The Mindful Way..." is on the side of depression being more of a mental disorder that can be rectified through changing thought patterns.  Or at least, that's what it seems to say, I don't really know as I haven't read it yet.  Both theories appeal to me, and I will probably read both books and try to apply whatever seems useful from each.  Because, after all, there's no law that says I can't change my diet and take supplements AND try meditation and try to change my mental habits.  "The Mindful Way" comes with a groovy high-tech CD of Guided Meditations.  I am both a nerd, and a new-agey hippy.

Minutae:

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My daily happening and thoughts if you care:


  • 11:11 Grateful that a lemon the Universe squeezed in our eye cannot sink my battleship like it might have in times past. #

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Medically speaking

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so that thing that I've mentioned before....the protuberance above my pubic bone.....I mentioned it again to my gyno when I was in last month and she referred me to an Ortho.

I figured since I was seeing an Ortho I should probably have him look at the ankle.

I went in today....provided a detailed history of all my injuries and such [written out beforehand because I tend to get emotional and cry for no reason when explaining my self to doctors]

he concurred..the ankle ligament does seem very lax and there is visible chronic swelling......he would like to get an MRI and do some stress tests to make sure....but most likely a surgery to fix the ligament is the only thing that's going to change my current situation.

he also concurred that the hip pain I occasionally experience is probably connected to gait issues that result from the ankle issue.

he also felt the protuberance and did a couple of tests....he said it is most likley a benign cyst of some sort on top of the bone....doesn't appear to be interferring with the joint at all....but he'd like an MRI of that as well to be sure.

I had to remember to tell the PA on my way out that there may be a chance of metal slivers up in my face/eyes .....so I might need a cat scan prior to the MRIs.  I know of at least one richochet last year that went up under my safety glasses as I was grinding.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee fun!

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My phone's been disconnected. Bah. I'm hoping I can get an extension. I'd be bummed to lose my number since I've had it for years. Plus it's really easy to remember!

I saw my therapist today. I was ashamed to go. I feel as if I've lost total control of my life and I didn't want to have to admit that to him. But instead he said, "Heidi, you know I'm your biggest fan." I love him so much. It's been way too long since I've seen him. Part of getting my life in order is seeing him on a more consistent basis so I scheduled an appointment every week for the rest of the year.

Meds: acquired!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jessica. Truly, thank you.

I went on a date! The whole getting-back-on-the-horse-that-threw-you-trampled-you-and-then-pissed-on-you thing. Well, more like I was in need of distraction and a reason to stop crying.

I was going to take a break from dating; sticking to casual sex and excessive drinking to protect my heart but he seemed so nice I couldn't help myself.

He took me out for Mexican food and margaritas. He held my hand and told me I was beautiful. He's ridiculously smart and really sweet. He went to NYU and is now in the master's program at UCLA for library science. Future librarian! Hot!

He asked if he could take me to see Paul F Tompkins in a couple of weeks. Oh, fuck yes!

It was really nice but also a bit difficult because I thought about the ex more than I should have and then started crying on the way home. Bah. But I'm allowed to still be mourning. I need to remember that.

I'm paranoid so I always feel as if I'll never hear from guys again but, if I do, I'm being guarded, having no expectations, and taking everything slow. Hella fucking slow. Because it's Heiditime. And that's the most important thing right now: me.

But if I don't hear from him again, that's okay too. Zabeth says to look at dating as a numbers game: the more you go on, the quicker you'll find a good guy. So, between that and viewing dates as practice, I'm not stressing. I'm just going to have fun and meet people.

And not lose myself in the process.

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  • 17:36 spent a wonderful weekend in grass valley. killing pumpkins, hot tubbing, beanbag lounging, great music, food, and especially friends. #
  • 17:36 on the down side, i'm still sick and very low energy. all i want to do is sleep. ugh. i want this cold to go away! #

From Twitter

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  • 19:32 El Diablo Robotico.... #
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November 9th, 2009

I am, of course, referring to my relationship with Z.  If I am willing to change my facebook status from "Single" to "In a Relationship" thereby closing off all other options with friends I might have been interested in, you know I mean business.  This post will contain gushing about GID-Z, so if that makes you gag, feel free to skip it.

Read more... )

So, I guess to recap:  Dickens Faire workshops were really fun, and I was happy to see so many friendly familiar faces and I am glad I went.  The memorial day was exhausting and emotionally difficult, but Z. was a big help and provided a lot of valuable support. He is a keeper.




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Oy vey.
So a lot happened this weekend that was noteworthy, and I will probably get around to writing about most of it soon, but right now I want to focus on the most recent chapter of the saga, which was my latest doctor visit.

To cut to the chase, they basically told me nothing was wrong with me. Read more... )

http://www.autonomousacres.com/gallery/album129?page=4
http://www.flickr.com/photos/73678092@N00/sets/72157622626478525/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/xoxoxtc/sets/72157622619540105/

No words.

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And here we have a koala and Edward Cullen gettin' jiggy wit it in their natural San Francisco habitat.


IMG_0886
Originally uploaded by inishdave

And we managed to walk away without injury....






GIGSVILLE DECOMPRESSION
SOMEWHERE, CA

OMG FURRIES

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sorry about all the youtubes. I usually never post this stuff, but the last one pissed me off so much (like, if they are so goddamn "right" then why are they afraid to debate, etc etc). and then this was just TOO COOL!!!




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